How to help someone you love

Starting the conversation

Choosing the moment matters more than finding the perfect words.

• Pick a calm time. Not when they have been drinking or using, not in the middle of an argument, and not in front of others.
• Choose somewhere private where neither of you feels trapped. A walk or a drive can feel easier than sitting face to face.
• Lead with care. Start with why you are worried about them, not what they have done wrong.
• Be specific. Describe what you have seen and how it affected you: "Last Saturday you didn't remember driving home, and I was frightened."
• Expect it to take more than one conversation. Denial, anger or silence the first time is common. It doesn't mean nothing landed.

Words that help, and words that don't

People are more likely to listen when they feel respected rather than cornered. Some things that tend to help:

• "I" statements: "I'm worried", "I miss you", rather than "you always" or "you never".
• Open questions: "How have you been feeling about your drinking lately?"
• Listening for longer than feels natural, without rushing to fix it.
• Naming what you are willing to do: "If you want to talk to someone, I'll come with you."

Labels like "addict" or "alcoholic", threats you won't follow through on, and comparisons with other people usually make things harder. So does arguing about exact amounts. You don't need to win the conversation. You need to keep the door open.

Boundaries without walls

A boundary is a decision about what you will do, not a rule for the other person. It protects you and your household, and it can stop you from accidentally making it easier to keep drinking or using.

• "I won't lend money any more, but I'll pay for a GP appointment."
• "I won't cover for you at work or with the family."
• "If you come home affected, I'll stay at my sister's that night."
• "I won't have drugs in the house, because of the kids."

Say boundaries calmly, ahead of time, and only set ones you can keep. Holding a boundary is not a punishment, and you can hold it while still saying "I love you".

Looking after yourself

Caring for someone who is struggling is exhausting, and it can go on for a long time. Guilt, anger, grief and hope can all arrive in the same afternoon. That is normal.

• Keep up the things that steady you: sleep, meals, exercise, friends and work.
• Talk to someone who is just for you, such as a GP, a counsellor or a family support line.
• Let go of the idea that you can make them change. You can influence, encourage and support. The choice is theirs.
• Remember that a slip is not the end of the story. Recovery often has setbacks.

If they're ready for treatment

When someone says yes, even a tentative yes, it helps to move gently but quickly. Offer to sit with them while they call a GP or a service. If they drink heavily or take benzodiazepines, make sure a doctor is involved before they stop, because withdrawal can be dangerous. Our guide to detox and rehab explains why.

At Sapphire, families stay close in ways the guest chooses. Your loved one decides who hears what, and can change it at any time. Therapy stays private. You can read more on our page for families.

Support for families

You don't have to wait for your loved one to get help before you get some for yourself.

• Family Drug Support: 1300 368 186, 24/7 support for families and friends.
• Adis 24/7 Alcohol and Drug Support: 1800 177 833, Queensland's confidential line, for families too.
• Lifeline: 13 11 14, crisis support any time.